a beginners journey

Forethought. 

I knew I wanted to breastfeed. I thought about how amazing it must feel to be able to feed your baby using your own body. I anticipated change in my body. I thought about how I’d feel with my body changing. I was accepting of the change of my body in pregnancy and I was prepared for more change. I thought it would come easy. I knew I felt positive. I had an open mind and an accepting mindset. And whilst I knew there are stories of other women who find breastfeeding challenging, I thought it would come natural. I didn’t imagine it would take the path that it did. It was natural but it came with so many challenges I hadn’t anticipated.

We actually ended up having a two night layover in the hospital before being discharged hours before the kick off the Women’s England Team who went on to win the Euros. By the time I got home I remember telling Theo how confident I felt breastfeeding and happy that our daughter was feeding well. I thought I’d come away successfully having learnt this new skill within 48 hours with ‘support’ from the midwives on the ward. I had no idea what support I needed but I trusted the process and I trusted the professionals. The support they offered wasn’t actually what I needed. It was an effective way to manage the busy ward. ‘Ring your buzzer if you need anything’ they would say. At first I asked for help more often than I usually would ask but my baby was counting on me to feed her and I had no problem asking all the questions I thought would give me the answers I needed. Many of the questions on feeding resulted in the midwife asking permission to hold my boob and latch her on to me. It was seconds that they waited, she remained ‘latched’ and then they left. Looking back on it now, I wasn’t learning the skill at all. I hadn’t even scratched the surface but I accepted the help. Breastfeeding is one of the trickiest skills I have ever had to master. It takes patience, from both me and her. A lot of resilience and determination.

It wasn’t until the day after we arrived home that we realised that she hadn’t been feeding like we thought she was. A midwife came to do a routine check which included a weight check the day after we came home. It’s totally normal for babies to lose 10% of their birth weight in the first few days. Our baby had lost 11.5%. ‘It means she might have to go in to hospital because she’s obviously not feeding properly.’ the midwife said. It went from a regular routine home visit to panic. I felt overwhelmed. I felt guilty. I felt confused. I felt frustrated. I felt upset. The weight loss resulted in several calls to colleagues to check procedure and then a direct call to the paediatrician at the hospital for advice. Whilst I’m sure the midwife believed that we would have to rush to hospital immediately, we heard the paediatricians advice. ‘Ask them to introduce formula’. The phone call ended and that’s what we did. I was still determined to breastfeed. I didn’t want to give up. I didn’t want her to exclusively feed on formula. It didn’t feel like we even started before we had to introduce forumula and it certainly didn’t feel like our breastfeeding journey was over. I felt immediately uneducated. The midwife watched me feed. She took my boob and latched her herself. It was a weak latch. She was feeding but not much. Whilst I was adamant that I wanted to breastfeed, I wasn’t actually against forumula and never have been. I do believe ‘a fed baby is a happy baby’ however we were only 4 days in and we had a lot of time ahead of us to practice. The formula was introduced as a top up if she wasn’t getting enough from my breast. 

When babies are born they are born with teeny tiny stomachs. She fed from me and needed formula to top up. Next steps for support was a referral to the breastfeeding peer support service. One of the support systems I will advocate for. The team are a staffed group of trained volunteers, many of who were mums who breastfed themselves. The information they could provide is the reason we have gotten to 3 months. Nothing was too much trouble, they were at the end of the phone when I needed them, booked in for numerous home visits and further referred us to the lead breastfeeding specialist for additional support. They listened to our journey and offered words of encouragement and advice. 

What we didn’t know was that this would’ve been the team who I would’ve been supported by whilst on the ward had I given birth Monday-Friday. Whilst our daughter was born on the Friday evening, by the time we had recovered from surgery and moved on to the ward, it was already the early hours of Saturday morning. Whilst midwives are all trained to offer this support, it seems that not only is there no breastfeeding team but it seems that there was a reduced number of staff. It seems that every health care worker advocates for breastfeeding, but when it comes down to it virtually zero support is offered.  I understand how fortunate we were to have given birth to a healthy baby as the ward was filled with other babies who needed extra care who were higher on a priority list than us. So, what happens when baby isn’t feeding. It seems that resorting to formula is the one thing that health care workers advise, all the while advocating for breastfeeding instead of supporting the process. It’s a confusing journey.

There are several avenues of support who have helped on our breastfeeding journey but no one compares to having your best friend supporting you, when it comes so naturally for them to recognise what you need before even you know you need it, rooting for you at 2am through hazy eyes, when only a few drops are assertively squeezed from your sore nipple in to a syringe, they are there cheering you on, celebrating no less than 10ml of milk, reminding you how far you’ve come, when you start thinking about switching to formula instead, they are there holding your hand, to keep you moving forward, a gentle reminder to remember the moringa, sterilising the breast pump to be used a 3rd and a 4th time that day, telling us it is going to get easier…and it did! Theo is and always has been there every step of the way, my biggest cheerleader, my best friend, and the dad I knew he would be. We couldn’t do it without him! 

We are nearly 3 months in to our journey. We have no set plan on how long we will continue on this journey but I know we’re not stopping yet. 

What I learnt on the way 

• Lots of babies are jaundice and this means that they are much sleepier. Wake your newborn every 3 hours even if they look content, especially if they are jaundice and especially if they are jaundice and look content. Your baby sleeping can be mistaken for satisfaction and contentment when actually they will struggle to wake up to feed. They are probably hungry. You are their cue for feeding. It’s totally ok at this point to wake them to feed. I wish I had known. It doesn’t make you a bad person. 
• You will need support around you. Surround yourself with people who truly believe in your decision. People who are truly rooting for you. Be honest with your partner. They are going to be there when other have gone home, when others can’t be there but most importantly allow them to immerse themselves in the journey just as much as you. Whilst they may not be able to feed themselves, they can offer other ways to support you because you’ll always need a drink to hand, breastfeeding is thirsty work. You will need those words of encouragement when it feels like the bottle may look like the more appealing option. You’ll need a back rub after those first weeks of tense feeding from the hours of concentration, looking out for that ‘suck suck swallow’. You’ll need the honest conversations. Let that person in because it’s not just a journey you and your baby are on. Breastfeeding is not a spectators sport and everyone deserves celebrating when you win at it. 
• It starts off hard and it feels like it’ll never get easier but it does. Keep going girl! 
• If breastfeeding is your feeding preference, and you achieve it whether that be exclusively, pump or mixed feed, once you and your little one master it, it is the greatest feeling and also mind blowing that your own body is supporting the growth of your baby. 
• I got well acquainted with the breast pump especially as my milk hadn’t come in early. It will become your breast friend. It will support those first drops in to becoming a full feeds. 
• Speak to your health visitor about your thoughts and feelings. They are there for you, for your baby and for your family unit. Becks has offered so many words of reassurance and encouragement and they are going to be a health care worker in your life for many years to come, so creating a positive relationship with them, letting them in to your family space and so having open and honest conversations with them from the very first meet can be invaluable. 
• You boobs will leak. Be prepared for unexpected occasions they will decide to drench you.
• In the middle of the night, breastfeeding is a cry saver. Being able to breastfeed before making a top up formula gives baby the solace she so wants when she wakes up hungry. It is an absolute joy to be able to sooth her with my own body. It is just the most magical experience.

Final thoughts. 

If you can, and want to, do breastfeed. It is an experience like no other. It will test you but also reward you in abundance. Don’t give up. It will come and if it doesn’t, ask for help. 

Happy breastfeeding!